雅思写作多对一 | 解析：科学研究该被政府开展而不是私人公司？

自从领冉写作多对一批改服务上线后，受到了同学们的热烈欢迎。

不少同学参与到了这次雅思作文集体写作活动中，老师、同学们相互交流的同时，思想风暴带来的思维碰撞也让同学们产生了不少新的写作切入点和观点论证方法，小冉也收到了很多同学、家长的好评反馈~

多对一批改活动得到了肯定，我们也期待持续为大家带来高质量的教学创新、分享活动！

作文返稿基本都已回到同学们手中，相信大家都对自己的文章很熟悉了，但对其他人的情况还不甚了解。

练习实践+批改纠错无疑是提升写作能力最有效的手段。今天小冉向大家分享本周作文题目中部分同学的表现（分享已获本人许可），解析考生普遍存在的问题，看看自己是否也出现了这些典型错误？

大作文训练

题目：科学研究应该被政府开展或者管理，而不是私人公司，你怎么看?

Scientific researchshould be carried out and controlled by governments rather than privatecompanies. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

学生作文

I do agree with the statement that scientific research should be executed by governments instead of private companies.

First of all, government-controlled scientific research is much safer. By establishing strict rules and high standards, governments can diminish the risk to the lowest level, and thus ensure the safety of research, especially in the field of food and medicine, which is closely related to people’s life. As for the military science, one branch of scientific research, safety is even more important. Researches of advanced weapons, like nuclear technology, are highly dangerous and often classified. If this kind of research is carried out by private companies, military secrets may be leaked to others, which can cause unpredictable losses.

What’s more, in most cases, governments hold much more resources, like funds, human resources and other linked technology than private companies, which can be put into scientific research. With more available resources, it is much possible for a researching project to be succeeded. Meanwhile, governments’ data clearly shows integrated situation (like economy, etc.) of the country , which can help them use resources more flexible, hence a lot of unnecessary waste can be avoided.

Those who think scientific research should be carried out by private companies contend that research can be more efficient due to the competition among several corporations. However, excessive competition may cost extra funds, and may even lead the research to a dangerous situation.

In summary, scientific research should be controlled by governments since it has so may advantages such as ensuring safety, improving the possibility of success, as well as avoiding waste.

作文多对一批改

A老师批改结果

——细致纠错型

整篇文章的内容和逻辑都是很好的，但是细节上出现很多问题，主要在内容表述清楚和语言的正确表达方面，可以根据以下标记的问题改一下。

I do agree with the statement that scientific research should be executed① by governments instead of private companies.

①用词不够准确。

First of all, government-controlled scientific research is much safer. By establishing strict rules and high standards①, governments can diminish the risk to the lowest level, and thus ensure the safety of research, especially in the field of food and medicine②, which is closely related to people’s life. As for the military science, one branch of scientific research, safety is even more important.Research of advanced weapons, like nuclear technology, are highly dangerous and oftenclassified③. If this kind of research is carried out by private companies, military secrets may be leaked to others, which can cause unpredictable losses.

①这样表述有些突然。

②内容模糊，尤其是与食物相关的科学实验，具体指的是？

③这个词的使用有风险，可能有造成误会。

What’s more, in most cases, governments hold much more resources, like funds, human resources and other linked technology than private companies, which can be put into scientific research①. With more available resources, it is much possible for a researching project to be succeeded②. Meanwhile, governments’ data clearly shows integrated situation (like economy, etc.) of the country③, which can help them use resources more flexible, ④ hence a lot of unnecessary waste can be avoided.

①内容需要更推进一步。

②词不够准确。

③这句话最初看不懂，之后看懂了，可能是因为用了中文思考再翻译成英文的。

④语法，断句问题。

Those who think scientific research should be carried out by private companies contend that research can be more efficient due to the competition among several corporations. However,excessive competition may cost extra funds①, and may even lead the research to a dangerous situation②.

①需要进一步解释。

②需要进一步解释。

In summary, scientific research should be controlled by governments since it has so may advantages such as ensuring safety, improving the possibility of success, as well as avoiding waste.

B老师批改结果

——大局打分型

Task Response: 6

本文支持政府的理由主要分两方面，1安全性，提到高标准和严格的规则，举例比较具体（军事机密泄露的危险）。2政府有更多的资源。“政府的数据显示国家的宏观情况，从而帮助更灵活使用资源”这一个例子过于笼统，缺少具体的解释，表意不明。让步段提到竞争提高效率，而过度竞争导致资金浪费，也缺少解释。总体论点比较明确，论证方面细节不够。

Coherence and Cohesion: 6

段落有progression尽管不是特别明显。大部分cohesive devices使用恰当，也存在一些underuse，例如段中存在并列和递进关系的时候，没有类似besides这样的连接性副词。从抽象到具体例子和解释的时候，没有类似more specifically/in particular这样的表达。

Lexicalresource: 5.5

词性错误：flexibly，successful等

不规范表达：出现了雅思写作规范里不允许使用的缩写what's more

整体语言风格偏口语，出现了a lot of等casual表达，也存在一些包括主谓一致，冠词方面的小错误

Grammatical Range and Accuracy：6