经过一个月写作训练，老师们的辅导效果初见成效：同学们的写作水平越来越好了！今天分享的这篇作文来自之前就已分享过的一位同学，分数相较上次有了明显的提升，并且水平也还有一定的上升空间。今天小冉就带大家来看看，这周的题目同学表现如何？感兴趣的同学不要错过文末的范文示例哦~

TOPIC

2021.9.11 作文题目

The natural resources such as oil, forests and fresh water are being consumed at an alarming rate.

What problems does it cause? How can we solve these problems?

大量使用自然资源带来的危害和解决办法

01 学生作文

Across the world, natural resources are being consumed at an incredible fast rate, which I think may cause several serious problems.

First of all, with the consumption of natural resources at this speed, some of these resources may soon be depleted. Fossil fuels, for example, are considered nonrenewable. If the natural resources like coal or oil are used up, machines and vehicles will become useless scrapes and wrecks. And thus cause tons of possession losses. And as for the decreasing in the storage of freshwater, which is a kind of key element for survival of any creatures, can lead into a dangerous situation and even threaten the thrive of human beings.

In addition, consuming natural resources too fast can also lead to deterioration of environment. Take Amazon rain forest as an example. The total forest coverage in this area has been decreased by at least 20% in the past few decades due to excessive deforestation which is aimed at harvesting timber. And this is one of the most contributory factors of global warming. Meanwhile, the vanishing of the forests and wetlands, which caused by the overdraft of ground water, has left hundreds of species of wildlife nowhere to go. Without appropriate habitat, these animals may become endangered and even extincted, which does no good to biodiversity.

To solve the problems referred to above, there are a few feasible approaches. One of them is to constrain the usage of natural resources, which could be done by raising the tax and price of critical resources. And necessary resources should be under the control of government. Thus, they can be conserved better. On the other hand, we can replace the natural resources with synthetic ones, like synthetic fuel. The government should fund the research institutes and individual companies to make a strong effort on this field, and thus benefit to create a healthy and sustainable development.

02 A老师批改

TR 7

本文作为一篇report类文章，主体段两段分别交代了可能造成的两个问题。

body paragraph1中心句是资源会消耗殆尽，progression推导到造成机器和交通工具无法使用，而水的短缺最后甚至会导致人类无法生存。基本的论述是清晰合理的。注意“If the natural resources like coal or oil are used up, machines and vehicles will become useless scrapes and wrecks. ”这一句话的表达比较抽象含糊，且过于绝对，并不是所有的机器和车辆都会因为资源消耗（至少一部分利用solar/wind/tidal power等可再生能源的机器仍然可以运转）。改为most of the machines and vehicles that run on fossil fuels…则逻辑更为严谨，不会被抓住漏洞。

body paragraph2主要强调对环境的影响，举了过度砍伐和过度消耗地下水两个例子，例子造成的结果基本都表述清楚了，最后提到了动物栖息地的破坏导致生态多样性受影响，体现了逻辑上的progression，是写得不错的一个段落。

解决方法主要通过控制使用，注意“And necessary resources should be under the control of government.”这一句话其实应该是第一个方法的概括性描述，因为前面提到的加税其实也属于政府管控的范围。概括性的描述应该放在前面，具体如何管控的细节放在后面，比如加税或者strictly prohibite illegal transaction。第二点发展合成能源后面的论述没有问题，注意并非转折尽量不用on the other hand连接，可以用besides或者additionally类似的表示并列和递进的表达。

CC 7

整体文章逻辑较为连贯，基本的cohesive devices的使用是比较到位的，尽管存在一些上面提到的不太恰当的使用。还有在从抽象过度到具体的时候，尽量加上in particular/more specifically这样的连接性短语使文章更为清晰。另外全文没有一个结论段，可以在结尾段里再次点题，用简单的paraphrasing概括上文主体段的核心论点，作为一个reminder。

GRA 6

句式的错误比较少，语法错误主要出现在词性的误用。例如第一段的incredible应该用副词形式。第二段的thrive只作为动词用，可以换成prosperity。第三段的vanishing一般不作名词词性，可以用disapperance。还有一些冠词，主谓一致等小的错误。另外第二段举例说明假设的情况应该用虚拟语气。

LR 6

有意识地在使用一些比较书面和正式的less common vocabulary，要注意要用有把握的正确表达，尽量不要为了去使用不常见的词而影响了表达的清晰。偶尔存在一些误用，但基本不影响理解。

总分 6.5

03 B老师批改

Task Response：6

整体文章内容紧扣题了，但第一个理由内容不够深入。

Coherence and Cohesion: 7

内容的衔接不错

Lexical Resources: 6-7

整体词汇比较丰富多样，但也出现了些用词错误，如extinct

Grammatical Accuracy and Range: 6

句子结构丰富多样，但出现了些语法错误

总分 6.5

小明同学：我知道！这个题目应该先具体描述一些危害，再针对这些对象提出解决方法。

小五同学：是啊是啊！思路感觉还挺清晰的，但具体怎么展开更切题呢？

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